depth of winter

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus

Need I say more?

so much to say so much to say so much to saaaaaaaaaaaay...

well i am just not even sure where to start so you are about to run the gamete of events, emotions and epiphanies that have occurred since january 18th. i have to say i am writing to a small audience but you are faithful readers as i am prompted and encouraged to blog by two of the five of you reading. so here is to you and yours.

the last three weeks have been utterly chaotic, confusing, disappointing, gray, uncomfortable and then yet at the same time redeeming, hopeful, joyful, and refreshing.

those of you who know me at all know i love to sing a good song every now and then... so in my mind as i go through life there is always a soundtrack; therefore, making my life similar to a television show... not so much like the shows that are basically a music video you know the ones that overly use music as a means to sell music because MTV no longer shows any videos... more like a sitcom/musical/drama mixed story with very random episodes of singing.... some days there is definitely more music than others.... at different points in the last three weeks there have been an array of songs here are a few to give you perspective...

At the peek of disillusionment this next song fit perfectly. (Pre and Post my weekly Thursday Breakdown with Kelley and again the next week Pre Conversation with Kelley)


The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

THANK YOU INGRID MICHAELSON

The realization that i have misplaced my hope occurs next ... i mean i literally lost my hope and then tried to put it in the wrong places followed by loss of joy and search for something else to comfort me satisfy me and ultimately give me joy... Then, the beginning of the epiphany, that was really just so simple and yet impossible to see. The lyrics from Four Him and Getting BACK to the basics of life chimed in...

We need to get back
To the basics of life
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently
grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all times
These are the basics,
we need to get back
To the basics of life

THANK YOU FOUR HIM
(Post 2nd Thursday weekly break down with Kelley.)

Psalm 16:5 also chimed in... Yahweh assigned my portion and my cup. You made my lot secure.

Then I think i heard the fourth verse of amazing grace clearly for the first time.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

I mean the answer keeps getting clearer...

Then the promises of the Lord securing my JOY and being my hope continues to pore in...

Psalm 4
7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 16
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.



Then the Sunday after my second weekly breakdown per Kelley's advice I listen to Craig's sermon basically on the disappointments in life... Jacob and Leah

LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING...

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_06_2008_sermon.mp3


and then the following (Q and A from the above... trust me you will need it)

listen for Kelley’s question it yields a great answer...

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_13_2008_vision.mp3

and then the following

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_13_2008_sermon.mp3


Then the truth was just so clear...

that i had been placing my hope in other things that were NEVER intended to serve such a purpose... then my joy was squashed and my hope was misplaced... i searched for satisfaction in an array of things family, work, boyfriends, books, art, cooking, rearranging, $50 couches from the Antique Market, friends, music, shopping, food, running, swimming, tv, movies, drinking... You Get The Picture...

I can't Get No Satisfaction...

When I'm watchin' my TV
And a man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
But he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
The same cigarettes as me
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no girlie action
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

Thanks Otis...


these things people places could not provide me with the satisfaction... comfort ... or protection that i was needing and longing for. which is when the light bulb switched on... the choir raised up and sang there anthem... the ahhah was sighed... the ball hit the bat... etc...

MY HOPE IS TO BE PLACED IN THE LORD ONLY. HE IS THE SUPPLIER OF ALL THINGS INCLUDING JOY... COMFORT... PROTECTION. ONCE GROUNDED IN HIM THE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE CAN BE ENJOYED FOR WHAT THEY WERE INTENDED TO BE RATHER THAN THE SOUL SOURCE OF HOPE... EXCITMENT... JOY... PEACE... PURPOSE... ETC...

It boils down to this...

Psalm 16

2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."