a piece of my childhood is gone

a piece of my childhood has passed on.

A small group of boys walks down the street
Throwing a ball in the air
One says to another
Hey I'll always be your brother
I'll always be your friend

Do you remember
When we thought we were immortal
And the games we played always had a happy end
But in the game of life all the roses wither
And time writes its lines upon your face

Summer's here and three young men
Drive through the town in the night air
When fall comes they'll part again
One turns to another and he says

It's three A.M. and he's been feeling lonely
Work's been hard and the city's hard too
He picks up the phone and
halfway across the country
A brother listens to his blues he says

Sometimes I wish
That we all were immortal
And the game of life always had a happy end
But I know it's not true oh time keeps passing
But I'm just glad to spend my time
With you

Lift your voices loud and clearly
Sing for brotherhood right now
Lift your voices loud and clearly
Sing for sisterhood right now

waiting on the dress

i have come to the conclusion that seeing a dress or item of clothing that you really want but don't know if it fits perfectly or if you you need it ... is similar to meeting a guy and enjoying him liking what you know and see and yet not knowing if you need him or even more so if he fits into your world.

change... it happens

change happens and i think it is about to rain down on me... in some exciting & good ways and some unsure & unknown ways. it is sure to be an exciting season of events and decisions... so hold on because i think this is going to be an exciting ride and this blog is going to be the outlet.

depth of winter

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus

Need I say more?

so much to say so much to say so much to saaaaaaaaaaaay...

well i am just not even sure where to start so you are about to run the gamete of events, emotions and epiphanies that have occurred since january 18th. i have to say i am writing to a small audience but you are faithful readers as i am prompted and encouraged to blog by two of the five of you reading. so here is to you and yours.

the last three weeks have been utterly chaotic, confusing, disappointing, gray, uncomfortable and then yet at the same time redeeming, hopeful, joyful, and refreshing.

those of you who know me at all know i love to sing a good song every now and then... so in my mind as i go through life there is always a soundtrack; therefore, making my life similar to a television show... not so much like the shows that are basically a music video you know the ones that overly use music as a means to sell music because MTV no longer shows any videos... more like a sitcom/musical/drama mixed story with very random episodes of singing.... some days there is definitely more music than others.... at different points in the last three weeks there have been an array of songs here are a few to give you perspective...

At the peek of disillusionment this next song fit perfectly. (Pre and Post my weekly Thursday Breakdown with Kelley and again the next week Pre Conversation with Kelley)


The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

THANK YOU INGRID MICHAELSON

The realization that i have misplaced my hope occurs next ... i mean i literally lost my hope and then tried to put it in the wrong places followed by loss of joy and search for something else to comfort me satisfy me and ultimately give me joy... Then, the beginning of the epiphany, that was really just so simple and yet impossible to see. The lyrics from Four Him and Getting BACK to the basics of life chimed in...

We need to get back
To the basics of life
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently
grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all times
These are the basics,
we need to get back
To the basics of life

THANK YOU FOUR HIM
(Post 2nd Thursday weekly break down with Kelley.)

Psalm 16:5 also chimed in... Yahweh assigned my portion and my cup. You made my lot secure.

Then I think i heard the fourth verse of amazing grace clearly for the first time.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

I mean the answer keeps getting clearer...

Then the promises of the Lord securing my JOY and being my hope continues to pore in...

Psalm 4
7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 16
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.



Then the Sunday after my second weekly breakdown per Kelley's advice I listen to Craig's sermon basically on the disappointments in life... Jacob and Leah

LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING...

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_06_2008_sermon.mp3


and then the following (Q and A from the above... trust me you will need it)

listen for Kelley’s question it yields a great answer...

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_13_2008_vision.mp3

and then the following

http://www.citychurcheast.org/sermons/2008_01/01_13_2008_sermon.mp3


Then the truth was just so clear...

that i had been placing my hope in other things that were NEVER intended to serve such a purpose... then my joy was squashed and my hope was misplaced... i searched for satisfaction in an array of things family, work, boyfriends, books, art, cooking, rearranging, $50 couches from the Antique Market, friends, music, shopping, food, running, swimming, tv, movies, drinking... You Get The Picture...

I can't Get No Satisfaction...

When I'm watchin' my TV
And a man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
But he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
The same cigarettes as me
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no girlie action
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

Thanks Otis...


these things people places could not provide me with the satisfaction... comfort ... or protection that i was needing and longing for. which is when the light bulb switched on... the choir raised up and sang there anthem... the ahhah was sighed... the ball hit the bat... etc...

MY HOPE IS TO BE PLACED IN THE LORD ONLY. HE IS THE SUPPLIER OF ALL THINGS INCLUDING JOY... COMFORT... PROTECTION. ONCE GROUNDED IN HIM THE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE CAN BE ENJOYED FOR WHAT THEY WERE INTENDED TO BE RATHER THAN THE SOUL SOURCE OF HOPE... EXCITMENT... JOY... PEACE... PURPOSE... ETC...

It boils down to this...

Psalm 16

2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

inconvenient conveniences

so you might be wondering what is she talking about well here is the definition by Webster of the following:

convenient
Main Entry:
con·ve·nient
Pronunciation:
\kən-ˈvēn-yənt\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English, from Latin convenient-, conveniens, from present participle of convenire to assemble, come together, be suitable, from com- + venire to come — more at come
Date:
14th century
1obsolete : suitable proper2 a: suited to personal comfort or to easy performance b: suited to a particular situation c: affording accommodation or advantage 3: being near at hand : close
— con·ve·nient·ly adverb

inconvenient
Main Entry:
in·con·ve·nient
Pronunciation:
\ˌin-kən-ˈvē-nyənt\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English, incongruous, harmful, from Anglo-French, from Latin inconvenient-, inconveniens, from in- + convenient-, conveniens convenient
Date:
1651
: not convenient especially in giving trouble or annoyance : inopportune
— in·con·ve·nient·ly adverb

So the combination is when something occurs that that hinders the outcome you are projecting and hoping for, but that something while postponed helps you to get to where you need to be and in the perfect time. It does not always feel great but in the end you are very satisfied if not blown away by the timing and by what actually occurs and then those things that never come into play.

what can i say but the last 6 plus week have been full of inconvenient conveniences. today was like the cherry on top. so my dad is having some health scares ... alot of which is unknown until after the biopsy is taken and the results return. the timing of this yet again is an inconvenient convenience. this has made me look at a few things

a. the fact that i will be leaving to go and be with family which puts me out of reach to a situation i was hoping to be in arms length of.

***(BEING WITH MY FAMILY IS NOT AN INCONVIENCE TO ME JUST AT ONE POINT IN TIME IT SEEMED TO BE AS I WAS LEAVING WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MORE IMPORTANT AND I WAS BEING SELFISH ... (this all turns out to be a convience though).)***

b. i realized that the situation i hoped to be in arms length of is not a situation that i need to be in the vicinity of for now anyways.

c. both these situations have brought me to face the fact that i come from a line of really strong women who are outside the box thinkers and lovers ... yes i said lovers.... i also come from a home, childhood and adulthood where i have been surrounded by and loved by really strong men and the situation that i want to be in reach of but due to an inconvenience (the geographic possibility of this especially for the weekend) puts this as yet another convenience. this convenience will give me time to reflect on the clarity that i had random flashes of today.

d. this also puts me smack dab in the presence of those strong men that have loved me so well and i believe after the convenient inconvenience that i have allowed myself to be absorbed by will be put into perspective.

if you can make sense of this your IQ is definitely above average and i would go as far to say you would be great at the word problems that go something like...."if two trains leave the same station at the same time but train a.... and train b.... what time will they arrive at t......

so all this to say i am learning that conveniences are sometimes VERY inconvenient and inconveniences are some times well ... just BIG BLESSINGS!

it is a new year and one of my resolutions is to be more intentional. how this translates into TIME is an interesting and challenging issue to let my busy be busy and my time with friends and family be time with friends and family.

now most of you are thinking that june ... she does a great job of stating the obvious. i mean it gets dark at night....

well i just want to be where i am in 2008 ... i do not want to wish i am anywhere than were i am.... this is how i think this will play out... when i am with a friend at dinner... walking ... a game... a concert... .etc... i will be there and not on the phone with other people trying to figure out what else is happening in this rapidly spinning home we call earth.

i also want my downtime to be full of nothing and not alot little somethings while turning circles that only myself, my mom, and mrs. yates would find relaxing. so far i am doing well with this seeing as my intentional downtime was supported with my car being in the shop and limiting where i could go.

however today after school and a mesocyclonic (or something like that) supercell (aka a drill with 2,000 student in the hall in tornado position) i wanted a drink so ... i intentionally met my friend leslie to have a drink. it was intentional... and then i intentionally went to the gym to burn some calories.

i guess you could say my new years resolutions have been a success so far.